Queen Kelly: Norma and Max's Wild Ride

Some stories are so perfectly symmetrical you just have to sit back in amazement and feel that the universe is truly some magical Rubiks Cube.

I am blessed to live in a location that affords me the opportunity to see silent films on the big screen with live accompaniment (usually by the there-are-no-words-to-describe-his-majesty Ben Model). This month’s offering: the fabled "Queen Kelly" starring Gloria Swanson and directed by Erich Von Stroheim.

Von Stroheim: Irving Thalberg accused him
of having a footage fetish

Here’s the story:

By 1928, director Erich Von Stroheim had worn out his welcome at MGM and was looking for work. Gloria Swanson had left Paramount and was producing her own films. She had one success with “Sadie Thomson,” and a miss with “The Loves of Sunya.” When Von Stroheim proposed a story of middle European royalty and romance, Swanson and her financial backer (and paramour) Joseph Kennedy, said “yes.” She knew the risks with the excessive Von Stroheim, but she also knew the rewards. Films like “The Merry Widow” and “Foolish Wives,” both big Von Stroheim hits, were similar to her story, known as "Queen Kelly." Swanson and Kennedy were confident they could control the director. Ah, hubris.

Swanson and Kennedy were no match
for the excesses of Von Stroheim

The Swanson/Von Stroheim collaboration resulted in an aborted and fascinating film. Welcome to Kronberg, a mythical middle European country ruled by the mad, sex-crazed booze and drug loving Queen Regina V. She is betrothed to playboy Prince Wolfram (conjuring any images with that name?). He has no interest in the nutty Queen, but she is just mad about the boy. As a punishment for his roving eye, she sends her man out on maneuvers. But Wolfram makes lemonade out of lemons and spots a lovely convent school girl out for a stroll with the rest of her class. Their eyes meet, her pants fall down and they fall in love. Wolfram goes to great lengths to extract little Kitty Kelly from the convent (almost burning it down), abducting her and ultimately spending the night with her in the Queen’s castle. 

Queen Regina V: nude and nutty as a fruit cake

The innocent Kitty Kelly is seduced by the dashing Wolfram

Our nutty Queen does not like this and runs poor Kitty out of the castle, whipping her until she flees out into the streets. Wolfram is thrown into prison and Kitty, once back with the nuns, learns that her aunt in German East Africa has sent for her.

Poor Kitty Kelly: Imagine the wedding night jitters?

It turns out Auntie runs a whore house (one particularly tubercular prostitute is named Cough drops)  and has promised her hand in marriage to the most disgusting old man you have ever seen. Kitty resists, but ultimately gives into the marriage and the union takes place over the Aunt's death bed. This is where the filming stopped. The story goes that Von Stroheim ordered Tully Marshall (the disgusting old man) to drool tobacco juice on Swanson's hand as he took it in matrimony. That was it for glorious Gloria and she had Kennedy can the director.

Queen Kelly: Queen of the Whore House

Swanson attempted to salvage the film, but the fates were not on her side. Not only did she have to contrive a suitable ending that would pass the censors, it was already 1929 and talking pictures had arrived. Eventually, Swanson was able to show a bastardized version of the film in Europe and South America (her ending had the virtuous Kitty ending it all rather than submit to a life of debauchery). It had a musical score and a song by Swanson was thrown in for good measure.

Salvaging the wreck: All talking, all singing, all sinning?

The film I saw was one that was restored by Kino International. Using stills and heavy text in-between to tell the story, it recreated Von Stroheim's original story: Kitty Kelly becomes a rich and powerful madam of her aunt's string of whore houses and she is known as Queen Kelly for her extravagant lifestyle. Wolfram does not marry the nutty queen, who dies, and eventually he brings his heart's desire, Queen Kelly, back to his kingdom.

Well, what can you say? Seena Owen, as the mad queen, is a knockout of rabid sex and screwball eyeballs. Walter Byron was a dashing prince and Tully Marshall as the disgusting groom is - well - disgusting. As for Swanson - oh what a delicious little minx she was! That nose! She is cute, funny, touching and sexy. 

Enter Billy Wilder with his script for "Sunset Boulevard." It is hard to believe that he ever wanted to cast anyone other than Swanson (allegedly, Wilder approached Pola Negri, Mae West and Norma Shearer before Swanson. Co-writer Charles Brackett said Swanson was always the first choice). As Norma Desmond, Swanson is now the mad (silent screen) queen, chasing the chosen lady love of her obsession out of her "castle." She, too, is mad about the boy (she even gives Joe Gillis a gold cigarette case with that little engraved message). But, at last Gloria, Kitty Kelly and Norma get their revenge: Von Stroheim is now the butler (Max) and she actually gets to shoot the faithless lover.

Von Stroheim once again in the driver's seat

A real treat is this scene, which is actually a scene from "Queen Kelly," starring Gloria Swanson and directed by Erich Von Stroheim.

Oh, the delicious irony. "Queen Kelly" is a hoot - beautifully shot, kinky (the Queen's palace is filled to the brim with statues and paintings of nude women, Kitty give a statue of Jesus a longing look and all other sorts of Von Stroheim depravity takes place) and it leaves us longing for more. "Sunset Boulevard" gives us a complete story in which "Queen Kelly" is just one of many subtexts. This is why "Sunset Boulevard" is my favorite film: besides being brilliant on the surface, it is filled with layers and layers of film history and brings together 2 legends formerly at odds and now linked together forever at last in a masterpiece.

For those that want to know more, here is Swanson talking about "Queen Kelly." Isn't she beautiful?

Gloria Swanson discusses Queen Kelly Part 1

Gloria Swanson discusses Queen Kelly Part 2

Read More

Norma Desmond: Big Star Meets Small Screen. Chapter 3 of the Norma Desmond Chonicles

Norma got off on a temporary insanity plea, did a short stint in a spa-like psych center and is now free in Hollywood. She's back and better than ever!

At last, Norma was ready to get out of that Sunset mansion and back into the limelight! She had secured an ad endorsement with Abdullah Cigarettes and the public reaction was positive. People commented on how young and lovely Norma still looked and were curious about her next move. But Norma had to admit to herself that she was no longer young enough to play "Salome" (the treatments had worked!). Still, she hoped Paramount would call.

Max had a plan.

 While Norma was away at the asylum, Max was able to make ends meet by getting a job as a television director. He explained his long absence from behind the camera by telling everyone he had been running a catering service ("New Year's Eve and Bridge Parties a Specialty"). Max first got his feet wet with some commercials and then a sitcom featuring a chimp (life can sometimes be cruel). Maybe he could get Madame a job in TV, too?

However, Max knew that the microphone was not yet Norma's friend. She needed to speak to the public as herself before she could play another character again. So, Max got Norma booked on various interview and game shows.

Norma tells her story to her still-devoted public

Norma guests on "What's My Line"

Norma, pro that she was, proved to be a hit wherever she went. Max felt that she was ready to take that next step. A local TV station came up with an idea for a sitcom - Max and Madame.

The Premise of "Max and Madame"
Madame is a retired  Broadway Diva who comes to Hollywood to star in a television show. She hires a butler named Max, who used to be a great silent film director. As Madame attends various social events and hobnobs with Hollywood society, Max attends to her needs, all the while slipping out of the house to direct a TV show about a butler who moonlights as a director.

The Nosy Neighbors
All sitcoms need nosy neighbors. Norma and Max asked some of her old friends to give her a hand.

Max asked Garbo, but she wasn't interested

Norma asked a glittering gallery of chums if they would like to assist, and some said they would be happy to lend Norma a hand.

Jolson, Pickford, Cantor and Colman all said "yes."
Chaplin was out of the country.Schenk & Goldwyn demurred and Doug was dead

The Wacky Adventures of Max and Madame

Madame sunbathes in leopard

Madame will be involved in many wacky escapades, always ending in Max making things right. Each episode will end in Madame yelling "MAX!"to get her out of trouble and Max, no matter where he is or what he is doing will come to her aid.

There was no doubt Norma could handle comedy

Norma was understandably a little nervous taking on such a commitment, and insisted that Max direct as well as act. Knowing that Max was behind the camera and in front of it with her put her at ease. Working with Max again like this, seeing him in control again, gave Norma a thrill she had not felt for some time. She looked at him in a new light that was an old light.

As for Max, he was hoping to get back into the bedroom of the husbands...

Max Von Myerling: Back behind the camera, in front of it
and in Norma's heart

Coming soon:
Max Makes His Move!

Read More

Norma Desmond: What Next? Chapter 2 in The Norma Desmond Chronicles

Norma got off on a temporary insanity plea, did a short stint in a spa-like psych center and is now free in Hollywood. The New Year's Eve party was a success, but now Norma was faced with with the $64,000 question: What does she do with the rest of her life?

Hollywood had welcomed her back with open arms, but, as of yet, there had been no offers to star in a film. Paramount had not called (but Norma was gratified to learn that Gordon Coles had been fired).

Max, of course, was still by her side (hoping, hoping). He decided a new chimp would cheer Madame up.

This one had a bad habit that might be a
 problem and was returned to the shop

This one proved fickle and was also returned

Max convinced Madame that a puppy would be a more suitable pet.

Norma and her new puppy, Little Joey G.

Of course, Norma was wealthy, far wealthier than all of this new Hollywood trash (oil fields pumping, pumping). Nevertheless, she needed to keep busy (she learned that in therapy). The mansion was paid for, but might need a little updating. She decided to confer with her new best friend, Joan Crawford.

Joan had always been a student of the Norma Desmond school of stardom. Joan, too, was big, and she had one of those "faces." When Norma looked at Joan, she saw a younger version of herself. When Joan looked at Norma, she saw a cautionary tale: Don't let the public forget you for one minute! Joan was a compassionate friend and wanted to help Norma transition back into the Hollywood spotlight. She asked Norma what she would like to do next.

Norma thought that she might excel at interior design.Who wouldn't love a house filled with Norma Desmonds, Norma Desmonds and still more Norma Desmonds?  Joan's other good friend, William Haines, a former big star in the 20s and early 30s, was now a very successful decorator with the Hollywood set. Joan asked him to survey Norma's home and render an opinion.

Mr. Haines took a look at Norma's decor

Mr. Haines surveyed the tile floor (where Valentino tangoed), the rat-infested swimming pool (where ghosts of John Gilbert, and Mabel Normand and Vilma Banky and Rod La Rocque swam), the endless array of Norma's photos in ornate frames and the gondola-style bed in a the frill-bedecked bedroom and discretely told Joan that he did not think that this was Norma's forte. Perhaps she should stick to performing?

Norma Desmonds, Norma Desmonds and still more Norma Desmonds

Joan would not give up. She was a loyal friend and wanted Norma to get off on the right foot.

Joan ponders Norma's future

She suggested product endorsement and noted that one of the waxworks, Buster Keaton, was having great success in this field. "What product would Norma Desmond endorse?" she asked Norma.

"I love Abdullah Cigarettes," said Norma. "In fact, Joe kept me waiting forever one night when he went into Schwab's to buy me a pack. That night was the beginning of the end..."

"Don't go there!" cautioned Joan. Max was standing by,his white-gloved hand on the phone, ready to call the doctor. But Norma shook off the past. At last she was ready to move forward.

Joan had a bright idea, but Norma had to lose that looney cigarette holder.

 Would she? Norma agreed.

And so it was that Norma Demond became the face of Abdullah Cigarettes and the public became reacquainted with the star with a face.

Norma Desmond says:
 I smoke Abdullahs because Big Stars need Big Taste!

Coming Soon:

Norma Discovers Television

Max Makes His Move

Paramount Calls!

And More...

Don't desert her now! Check back and follow Norma's progress!

Read More

Norma Desmond's News Year's Eve Celebration: Chapter 1 in "The Norma Desmond Chronicles"

Norma has been sprung from the "place" where she had to go for a little meds-adjustment just in time for New Year's Eve! No Joe Gillis rejections this year - just Norma, Max and her true friends. Look how Hollywood has rallied around her!

This is a big night for Norma. She has waxed the tile floor (the on one which Valentino tangoed), has made sure there is plenty of liquor, and left the rest of the details to Max.

First, a silent screen queen must make a regal entrance to greet her guests:

Norma was overcome with emotion!

Max was smiling*!

* but threw out the guns and razor blades just to be on the safe side.

 So many stars came to celebrate her "return" and toast her to a happy new year!

First, her beloved CB DeMille made a speech to welcome her home.

After which, all of Hollywood drank a toast or two in her honor.

Louise happily played bartender

Lifting a glass or five to Norma were:

Stan, Ollie & Charley

Merle Oberon

Audrey

Bette & Miriam

Gable & Lombard

Bing, Grace & Frank

Liz

Cary & Ingrid

Joan (Norma's new BFF)

The "other" Norma & Conrad

Designated Drivers Charlie & Edna

Hedda took notes and reported that a wonderful time was had by all

It was a triumphant evening for Norma. All agreed that she "seemed fine" and that she was a brilliant hostess.

She was back and the new year beckoned with the promise of all good things for Norma Desmond. With that pesky "incident" behind her, the sky was the limit!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, NORMA DESMOND!

To be continued.......

The Norma Desmond Chronicles will continue periodically in 2011. Check back often to see how Norma is adjusting to her new life. One thing about Norma... she is never boring!

Read More

Norma Desmond's Handbook: How to Live Life as a Star

Poor Norma Desmond, so misunderstood. Sure, she was a bit loony. Who wouldn't be? When the thing you love most deserts you, it can have devastating consequences.

...that room of hers, all satin and ruffles. And that bed, like a gilded rowboat. The perfect setting for a silent movie queen. Poor devil - still waving proudly to a parade which had long since passed her by.

Norma Desmond was devoted to her art - the art of being a star. It's not her fault the movies spoke, the chimp died and the boy-toy fell for a younger woman. Norma kept her promise to live and breathe every waking moment as a star.


A star still shines, even if no one is looking.

There is much to be learned from Norma, so all of you who long to live life as a star - pay attention!

Here are Norma's top ten lessons in living life as a star (with a little help from her friends Max, Joe and CB).

Lesson #1: Enrapture Your Fans
Max Von Mayerling: She was the greatest of them all. You wouldn't know. You're too young. In one week she received 17,000 fan letters. Men bribed her hairdresser to get a lock of her hair. There was a maharajah who came all the way from India to beg one of her silk stockings. Later he strangled himself with it!


Lesson #2: Inspire Your Director's Devotion
Max Von Mayerling: Madame is the greatest star of them all.

Cecil B. DeMille: You didn't know Norma Desmond as a lovely little girl of seventeen, with more courage and wit and heart than ever came together in one youngster

Lesson #3: Enslave Your Ex-Husband

Max Von Mayerling: There were three young directors who showed promise in those days: D.W. Griffith, Cecil B. DeMille, and Max von Mayerling.

Joe Gillis: And she made you her servant. 
Max Von Mayerling: It was I who asked to come back. I could have continued my career, but I found it unbearable. You see, I was her first husband. 

Lesson #4: Be an Unashamed Cougar

Set up the hunky younger man in the bedroom next door. Add extra points if you can do this in front of the ex-husband.

Lesson # 5: Be Fashion Forward

Mere mortals should imitate you, not vice versa.

Lesson #6: Live Like a Star

Decorate like a star,

have big pets
and always hang with other star-friends.

Lesson #7: Be Confident

Joe Gillis: They'll love it in Pomona.

Norma Desmond: They'll love it everywhere. 

Norma Desmond: Without me there wouldn't be any Paramount Studio.

Joe Gillis: You're Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.

Norma Desmond: I am big. It's the pictures that got small.

Lesson #8: Smoke and Make Sure You Have a Cool Cigarette Holder

Lesson # 9: A Star's Emotions Are Bigger Than Life

Sultry

Sad

Suicidal

Sullen

Suffering

Lesson #10: Never, Never, Ever Forget Your Fans
Norma Desmond: Then why do they still write me fan letters every day? Why do they beg me for my photographs? Why? Because they want to see me, ME, Norma Desmond


Joe Gillis: I didn't know you were planning a comeback.
Norma Desmond: I hate that word. It's return - a return to the millions of people who have never forgiven me for deserting the screen.


Norma Desmond:
No one ever leaves a star. That's what makes one a star.
Stars are ageless, aren't they?


Norma Desmond:
I just want to tell you all how happy I am to be back in the studio making a picture again! You don't know how much I've missed all of you. And I promise you, I'll never desert you again because after Salome we'll make another picture, and another picture! You see, this is my life. It always will be! There's nothing else - just us - and the cameras - and those wonderful people out there in the dark. All right, Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my close-up.

And always answer your fan mail!

Appendix

Norma's best student:

Joan Crawford

My Personal Favorite Quote from SSB: 
Max Von Mayerling: If you need any help with the coffin, call me.


Credits
Special thanks to the fabulous face of Gloria Swanson

And, of course, credit to Billy Wilder. Yes, I know it's only a movie, but it seems so real.

Read More