And The Oscar Goes To... Some Criminally Overlooked Categories

My popcorn and Dom Perignon are at the ready and my tiara is on straight! As I settle in for a long night of red carpets, longer speeches, happy winners and not-so-happy losers, I sneak a little nap and dream of categories that were missed...

LADIES FIRST
Best performance by an actress in a bad wig
Bette Davis - Beyond the Forest

"What a Dump"? What a fright wig. 

Bette's performance in this film is a bit over the top, but I think the wig might have been too tight. She is forgiven.

Barbara Stanwyck - Double Indemnity

Note to self: "must not let Walter close
enough to run his fingers through my fake hair."

The one and only false note in an otherwise perfect film.

Judy Garland  - Meet Me in St. Louis

"How can I ignore this thing on my head?"

When Judy flicks her hair over her shoulder in "The Trolley Song" she almost breaks her wrist.

AND THE WINNER IS: 
BARBARA STANWYCK
Barbara acts her way right through that wig and almost makes us forget how fake it looks. She makes us believe that it smells like the soap she bought in Ensenada, not 20 Mule Team Borax.

Best Performance by an actress with an unworthy co-star
Vivien Leigh with Leslie Howard in Gone With The Wind

"Oh Ashley, I think I need glasses. I prefer you to Clark Gable?"

Vivien Leigh is a storm of passion and emotion in this film. Her scenes with Leslie Howard make her look like she is beating her head against a wooden plank screaming "give me something to work with here!"

Judy Garland  with Tom Drake in Meet Me in St. Louis

"Maybe we should have moved to New York.
I hear the boys next door are more animated there!"

That Judy could convey such sweet longing for this pile of rocks cements her status as a great actress.

Joan Fontaine with Laurence Olivier in Rebecca

"I think there is a leftover cold fish in your
hand, Maxim, from when you drowned Rebecca!"

Olivier never looked as though he liked her - much less loved her. This probably made Joan's performance even better. It was left to Mrs. Danvers to provide the passion.

AND THE WINNER IS: 
VIVIEN LEIGH
The fact that millions continue to love this film despite the wooden-headed Mr. Wikes/ wooden-acting Mr. Howard is a testament to the genius of Vivien Leigh in this role.


AND NOW FOR THE MEN
Best performance by an actor with an unworthy co-star
James Cagney with Jean Harlow - The Public Enemy

"Don't look so sad, Jean. You'll grow up
 to be a good actress some day."

She looks right, but at this point in her career, she stunk. Apparently, Louise Brooks was considered for the part. If only...

James Cagney with Joan Leslie - Yankee Doodle Dandy

Come on, Warner Brothers, this man
deserves a stellar leading lady!

He's so "mature", she's so young. He's so extraordinary, she's so ordinary.

Laurence Olivier with Merle Oberon in Wuthering Heights

"If she pops her eyes just once more, I'm going to
throw her off Peniston Crag!"

He's so great and powerful and she's so awful.

AND THE WINNER IS:
JAMES CAGNEY 
For both The Public Enemy and Yankee Doodle Dandy. If ever a great actor got saddled with a bunch of mediocre leading ladies, it was Cagney. He was dynamic and could be sexy, but, aside from Joan Blondell, Ann Sheridan, Doris Day and a few others, he was rarely paired with a worthy sparring partner.


Best performance by an actor with a bad mustache
James Cagney - Torrid Zone

Somebody call pest control - there is a caterpillar crawling on Jimmy's upper lip!

Humphrey Bogart - Virginia City

Bogey is smiling, but it must be because he is dreaming

of choking the head of make-up. Yuk!

Gene Kelly - The Three Musketeers

No, this does not make Mr. Kelly look French.

AND THE WINNER IS:
HUMPHREY BOGART
That Bogey could have smiled at all with that on his lip proves he was a great actor.

 The show is starting and I must awaken from my reverie. Good luck to all nominees - hey it's an honor just to be nominated, right?